Today I wanna talk about a couple of things. First off, i wanna start by saying I just started therapy about 3 weeks ago. Ive been seeing the same psychiatrist for almost 7yrs now and have been on and off medication througout the years. For any of you out there who don't know the difference, therpists cannot perscribe meds, where psychiastrists - well that's their job!
I started seeing the psychiastrist after I came out of rehab for a cocaine addiction. I was 23yrs old. I had no choice, once I stopped using, I developed all different types of symptons that have plagued me for years and still to present day, such as anxiety (really bad), depression, obsessive complusiveness, self sabotaging and of course addiction. So to try and make a long story shorter, my doc was trying to "fix me" with these meds, when all they did was screw me up more! After awhile of trying different antidepressents, and seeing what my body can handle or can't, we came to the conclusion that my body rejects all antidepressents. Regjecting meaning, I went psycho crazy on/off different pills, such as Effexor, Paxil, Cymbalta, Lexaproe, etc...I was good one day, horrible the other. I would take two steps up and before I knew it, I was regressing. The only constant pill that has kept me OK is my anti-anxiety medication, my Klonopins. I have such bad anxiety, there's like a constant rock in my stomach, and in social situations, I absolutely suck. So the Klonopins have been helping with that, but sometimes I can't decipher a real panic attack from my REAL nerves.
So you see I have been sort of a "guiney pig" for my doc, who I have a great respect for, he has done everything to try and help me get back to who I am, it's just not that easy!
So present day, im 28yrs old and I finally discovered that taking no medication, except for my Klonopins, was the answer. I have been off all mood stablizers & antidepressents for about a month or so. Thank God! (and trust me, I know I still need fixing...just maybe not with meds). So I'm trying therapy now as well so I can talk about my issues, which I obviously have alot of while still seeing my psychiatrist every two months. PHEW! (During the course of my blog, i know I will keep diving back into my past...cuz no one got a past like me!) LOL.
So i didn't like my therapy session today, and so I don't start regressing, I'm blogging. That's why I created this thing, too many things to talk about!!!! It does give me some self worth to do this, even if it is just a stupid blog.
So If you don't mind me jumping, I'd like to tell you about the past two weeks. On Halloween, I got phone call from my best friend from college, Melissa. She had just recently gotten married on Oct.16th. She was away on her honeymoon for two weeks and I got a phone call from her that Halloween morning. She told me one of her best friends since FOREVER, Samantha, had died. First off, i was in shock, I had known Samantha for about a year or so, and I was devestated. She was a great girl and I was actually getting really close with her and for her to be taken from us so tragically, is still unbelievable. I was very upset, but I knew I had to be strong for Melissa and her friends, the pple who knew Samantha the best. I can't imagine losing a best friend i've known since kindergarten! So for myself right now, I can say anything I want right?? "Samantha, I really wish you were still here, you're death put life into perspective for me. And I'm honored to have been a part of you're life, even if it was a small one."
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