Bermuda Jail Journal #5

"I fucking hate kitchen duties! & I have it later, fuck me.  You know I've been here for 3 damn weeks and I was just getting used to using the freakin mop!  Everyday we have to do our chores, we have to mop and sweep a section of the prison.  When I first arrived and started chores the first week, I was made fun of, not only by the inmates, but by the guards too.  I've never mopped before, ok a little, maybe once.  But not with mops that have been here for prob decades, & falling apart.  Not only that, there heavy! I mean, I am a weakling here!  So when I got the huge bucket and filled it with water and started to mop on my first try, I couldn't actually do it right.   I don't know what I was doing wrong, but It was really tough to mop up all the shit, then drain it, mop, drain.  Like I said, that shit got heavy! And one mop even broke in my hand.  Everyone looked at me like a spoiled little white girl.  It was really embarassing.  But after doing it for 30 days straight, you get the hang of it.  I even started doing it half ass once I was knew I could get away with it.  It was ridiculous anyway, my hair is long and brown and it sheds, like normal...so anytime i was mopping, I'd look down to where I JUST cleaned, and there'd be a long hair there or something.  We were tracking dirt as we were cleaning.  But I was just so grateful to have never been put on kitchen duty, until the last week and half?? What the fuck?  My chores are supposed to end the last week I have here.  I don't have cantene privileges anymore, so why am I working??  Guards answer: low on state.  Low on state??  Hard to believe considering that Bermuda collects tourists & throws them in jail.  I'm sorry not only tourists, their own people too.  I mean Raina is in here for 3 months for unpaid traffic tickets?  Ok i'm sorry, that is just not right.  Or at least not the way it works in NY.  3 months for traffic violations? I don't know, you make the call. 
So I hate kitchen, worst chore ever.  I've never and this is a fact worked harder in my life in that damn kitchen.  I mean there not even MY dishes, eww...I'm cleaning everyones shit and mopping the kitchen floor as well! Thank God for the other girls who knew their way around the kitchen.  Girls who had been there longer.  They did help me learn the ropes around the cafeteria.  Like how to scrub the gigantic pots & pans right, where to dry and place then when they're done.  Taking out garbage...oh the list goes on.  God, when I get the hell out of here, I think i'm gonna be happy doing chores of my OWN.  This is just gross.
Let's talk Harvey aka the Bride of Frankenstein.  She likes to call me Krissy, ugh.  She's all dressed in orange, the only one.  Our prison uniforms are grey sweatshirts & khackis, but she's been in the orange jumpsuit the whole time Ive been here and from the other girls, they say she's never getting out.  The orange jumpsuit means she's been appealing her case, she think's she's getting out next March, we all know including the guards, that's not a fact.  She fights fire with fire, she told me that once.  Even when dealing with the guards, she does not back down.  It doesn't do her any good tho, she's been locked down more than once since I've been here & I have been told that it's a regular occurance.  When a person gets locked down, they're not allowed out of their cell until they're told.  They get fed and that's it.  Almost like being in "the hole", cuz you have no rec time, no time out of your tiny, tiny cell.  Although of course,  I like being in my cell because you can smoke cigs in here and if you're reading or keeping to yourself, you don't get bothered with all the shit around you.  Every girl has warned me to stay away from her & not talk to her due to her negative attitude basically all the time.  All she does is talk about people and her legal woes.  Shutup already we all think, I mean she beat the shit out of some girl in a bar & caused some major damage, she deserves to be in here just like the rest of us, if not more.  She's a loose cannnon.  She's like 6' tall too, ugh.  And where does all the complaining get her?  Nowwhere.  If anything, she get's into more trouble because of it.  I've been told by more than one person and supposedly the guards know too, that she's infatuated with one of the male guards on staff here. Mr Hall, I'm pretty sure his name is.  Apparently, Mr. Hall knows of her dillusions as well & that has become another reoccuring problem.  She's dillusional, she thinks they have something together when in fact, he has to stay away from the ladies section BECAUSE of her.  She also talks of ghosts and voices shes hears.  She thinks parts of the prison are haunted, like Adseg! Yeah right! Adseg is where they put new prisoners the first night.  It's a room separated from the actual prison.  You can also be punished by being put in Adseg, which of course she has been.  That's how ridiculous this woman is, between the lockdowns and her getting thrown into Adseg, I would consider her mentally ill.  I slept like a baby the first night when I was in Adseg! I even read some pages of a Stephen King Novel!  Haunted my ass.  She actually believes she saw a ghost in Adseg.  Whateverman.  She thinks shes getting out in March, but her actual release date is 2010. 
I obvisouly can't help it when she comes to talk to me. She does it with everyone else too and her main topic of conversation with me or anyone is of course talking shit, about the guards, girls, & how she was wrongfully accused.  We all hate the guards, she's not special. She calls them cacaroaches to their faces! I know she acts nice to my face, but I see her look at me.  You know a look like that.  I don't know if it's  a jealous look, or just plain evil. 
She tried to give me advice on dreams once.  She thinks all dreams come true, that they mean something and that if you have a dream, you should reevaulate whatever that dream may have meant and apply it to reality.
I've had vivid dreams here since day 1.  (I guess it's because I'm lucid 24/7 & I'm able to remember them when I awake).  That doesn't usually happen to me, I don't remember my dreams when I'm smoking pot.  Which is usually always, except for my confinement days.  I actually really appreciate having those dreams, it was what I looked forward to before lockdown for the night, which started at 8pm.  What would I dream about tonight?
All the dreams I've had in here included real people in my life, someone I know or at least recognize.  But it's part of my subconseince, not reality, even though some dreams seem SO real, (ps I will not write mine b/c they're either too private or just don't make sense anymore).  I remember them being good though.  No sex dreams or anything, (couldn't think about that either in a place like this!), but weird things mixed with reality and nonsesnse.  Although one guy keeps reappearing in my dreams, (ONLY in here), he's appeared in maybe 3 dreams.  Why? I have no idea...because when I wake up and reality surfaces. the people I LOVE, like Pat, re-enter my thoughts and don't leave my head until I drift back to sleep. 
Harvey told me that my dreams meant that I wasn't ready to get married b/c of this guy in my dream.  But she's so bullshit, I wouldn't even listen to her, I mean, I humored her so a fight wouldn't break out, but I knew she was full of shit and that any advice given by her should be thrown out.  The subconscience is a funny thing and there is a thin line, but you're subconscience is not how you really feel.  If it was, I wouldn't be aching for Pat, the man I love.  And thinking about him all day long & hoping he's out there thinking of me too.  I also pray for him all the time.  I pray that I won't lose him while I'm all the way down here.  Alone. 
Ok Harvey got enough writing out of me today and I still have a hell of a lot more to say, but my hand hurts like hell and I gotta get up to kitchen soon.  Fuck me."

Ok readers I hope you're following, I say that all the time...but it's the 5th journal and soon enough I'll be able to see how they all come to together.  I look at what I write sometimes and can't believe that's me.  Refer to article below AGAIN, to see why I was in prison.
http://www.royalgazette.com/siftology.royalgazette/Article/article.jsp?sectionId=60&articleId=7d7a82f30030006